Thin Walls

Mist Dances Over and Around Blueberry Mountain

Mist Climbing Mountain

Mist Moving In

Trail on Blueberry Mountain

I did it. Dominic did it. We both did it. What did we do? We      left our home. Went our separate ways, but only for a little while. Five days. 

​Dominic went to camp. It’s called In Good Hands. He learned to canoe, light a fire, participated in group play time, made doggy crafts and had quite a few good old roll-in-the-dirt sessions

​I went to Bridgewater. It’s not far from Lunenburg, Nova Scotia. Here I hiked two new trails, talked a way too much and attempted to get familiar with being away from the island. It was, overall, a good time and I’m glad I went. I stayed with two of Sue’s best friends, Kathy and Clara.

Baddeck River

But wow, talk about difficult to leave Cape Breton! Hard to explain, and as for dropping Dominic off, it nearly tore my heart out through my head. You see, Dominic has been my faithful buddy and house-mate since Sue disappeared. 

I dropped Dominic off at the kennels the day before I left. When I returned home, I couldn’t believe how many times I looked for him and I missed the click, click, click of his nails on the floor as he followed me around. 

​Losing a loved one, especially a spouse, is like having an emotional bomb dropped into your life. Memories, like bricks and mortar, are strewn everywhere. Everything, to the eyes, looks the same and almost nothing feels or looks the same. 

Mount Rushmore In Cape Breton

You try to survive from minute to minute. Like a person in a war ravaged city, you walk around your bombed-out life trying to put your emotional pieces back together. Familiar places and items weep with memories. You look in the mirror and wonder if that person is you. You’re in a battle and it’s not a time to be unselfish, if being selfish is what it takes to survive the emotional and physical storm. The future is too frightening to think about.

Also, you still have to deal with practicalities. Things like money, the estate and all the normal things that keep your life from diving into the dumpster.

You go into a grocery store and watch the shoppers shopping and you try to remember what it was like to have a regular life. 

​You avoid people because you don’t want to force them, usually uncomfortably, to express their sympathy. You don’t want to put them on the spot and when they do, you want empathy, not pity. Many folks attempt to say helpful things, but often they bring back the grief. You understand that it’s difficult for them to find the right words. Maybe they are also frightened, aware that they too might, in the future, have to deal with a huge loss. Having somebody to love in your life means you are at great risk, in the future, of experiencing debilitating grief.

Some grieving people shop in stores where the people don’t know them. They might wear a hat or sunglasses to disguise themselves. It is so much fun! And it isn’t even halloween, although you are living in a horror story.

Torey's Dramatic Pose

Friends help and when something tragic happens in your life, you will find out who your true friends are. They will let you know, in one way or another, that they are thinking of you. Many have themselves suffered a great loss and are, as a friend said, the walking wounded. 

So Pretty

However, gradually, gradually, you put the bits and pieces of your life back together. You search for friends, safe places and therapeutic activities wherever you can find them. You create a retreat from your emotional chaos. However, you never know when you will be attacked by the relentless grief and you’re always anxious that your emotional walls will collapse like a sponge cake in an earthquake.

Good Camouflage out-fit

Now, my biggest fear wasn’t going away, it was returning home. It was coming back to a place where, although I’d begun to know and trust it, was also filled with the bombed out emotional memories caused by the grievous attacks. I’d learned to cope with the emotions, but when I left and then returned would the walls that I had constructed stand up to the dreadful psychological forces that had been almost overwhelming. 

Magical Puddle

Well the separation anxiety and all the memories didn’t disappoint. The closer I got to home the more grief, anxiety and disorientation I experienced. The loss of Sue was etched in every once friendly place.

​However, in times like this, unexpected miracles occur. 

She Thinks She's in Hiding

You see, as I headed over Kelly’s Mountain, I decided to test my miracle theory. I turned on my radio. I hit scan and reached out into the universe. The first station was playing an Elvis Presley song. I think the universe was warming up. The next channel had a man talking about how he dealt with his trauma. So relevant! What are the odds? Who knows? I’ve given up on figuring out probabilities. Whether it was the snow-rainbow I followed to a friend’s house on Christmas morning, only twenty—two days after Sue disappeared, or this sudden radio program, it has to be admitted that they were, maybe more than happenstances, and Sue always gets some of the credit. Anybody need a dime?

Bat Man On a Hike

Finally, a weird thing happened while I was in Bridgewater. I was checking the kennel’s web page. I wanted to see what time I could pick up Dominic. I found a video that they had posted twenty-six minutes before I signed on. I clicked on it and saw all the dogs, every shape and size, running around in a fenced in area. Then, to my surprise, I saw a little black dog pop out from behind a building. He looked into the camera. It was Dominic.