Larry Gibbons
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A Nutty Conversation

18/3/2014

1 Comment

 
Cape Breton WinterCape Breton Winter
You may have noticed from reading my last fifteen blogs, that my life isn’t normal. But then, how could it be arse-tight conventional, when we live in a forty-five foot, what looks like an industrial trailer, situated in a snow belt, at the base of the Highlands? Is that possible?

I try. Oh, how I try to be cool and not draw attention to myself. However, sometimes, because I live in the bush, (where I like being), I find myself going into the village and spraying my conversation at everyone near and far. It’s as though the words are stored up and when I get a chance to use them, I do. Then I return home and run the conversations over in my head, and holy crow! Did I say that? Did I say this? What a moron!

So, no matter how hard I try to act like cool, deep-voiced Gregory Peck, I fail, and I will give you one example of my not being cool. Only one, because I don’t like making my blog too long. (The blog regulations can be found in the blog/twitter/selfie manual.)

Last Tuesday night. Yes, let’s take last Tuesday night. I’m chewing on another weather-related decision. I have plenty of them. This time I’m asking myself, do I or don’t I drive to the hockey arena? Because it’s pounding snow out. However it’s not windy. So probably not going to be blizzardy.

Anyway, at seven pm, I decided to drive over the lonely, snow- and-ice-covered mountain road to Baddeck
.
Now, as I may have mentioned, my snow blower, Grinder, was in the hospital for quite a time. However, it was recently returned with a new problem. Now the augers won’t stop turning, even when I’m not asking them to. But they do turn, which is an improvement of sorts.

I said to Sue, “I’m used to buying a second-hand piece of machinery and having it gradually accumulate a list of mechanical eccentricities, but I’m not used to buying a brand new machine and having it, almost immediately, fill out a roster sheet of problems.”
snowed underSnowed Under
So, the lane isn’t cleared of snow and our vehicles are parked two hundred meters down at the end of our lane. That means I need a flashlight, because, when I return from my hockey game, the spruce-bordered lane will be as dark as a horse’s artistic tendencies.
Well, I drove to the arena. It was a nail-biting trip at times and I saw two separate places where it looked like a vehicle had gone off the road.

Whenever I’m in the arena, I somehow morph into becoming a hockey player. In my mind, I take on my hockey player persona. A combination of Gregory Peck and Davy Keon. He was a great centre for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

I turn on my flashlight. Poke its light around in the back of Basque’s cap so I can find my two hockey sticks. I find them, pull them out, then fetch my hockey bag from the front of my truck. I like it to ride in the cab with me. It’s a good conversationalist and the truck heater warms its contents.

I decide, rather than putting my flashlight back in the truck, which I always do, I’ll put it in my pocket. It's warmer in the arena and therefore the battery will be stronger and more energetic.

I haul my sticks and hockey bag into the cold arena and then into the warmer locker room. Because of the bad driving, only three players have arrived. It’s getting late. I plunk my equipment down. I’m pumped. I’m the man. The not-really-so-good-any-more hacker player. Ready for the game, if there is going to be a game.


As I’m standing in my straight and true hockey pose, a fellow hockey player casually says, “You have a flashlight in your pocket.”

Big deal, I think. I pull it out of my pocket, to show him it really is an authentic, two-battery flashlight. But when I take it out of my pocket, I’m surprised, and somehow not surprised, to see the flashlight shining forth in all its brilliance. My goodness, I must have looked funny, strutting around while the flashlight shone out of my pocket. Like a walking lighthouse.

Last year, one fella, who had only shown up for one game, asked me if I had stayed in Cape Breton and played hockey the whole year. When I said, “Yes, I’ve played the whole year in Baddeck,” he said, “Oh damn! I missed all the fun.”


Picture
Now, what did he mean by that? I think I know, but it’s not just me. I have a weird computer too. It’s over twenty years old. Maybe twenty-five years old and I bought it second-hand a long time ago.

Do some of you want a name for my computer? Okay, how about “Percy Macintosh”?

Percy has a word-changing feature. You know, if I want to change a name from “Tom” to “John”, I just fill in the existing name and the name I want to replace it with and hit Change-all. Then my whole manuscript has the name “Tom” changed to “John”. Can be a thousand “Toms” and they will all zap to “Johns” in a matter of seconds.

One day, not so long ago, I decided to change a character’s name from “Ken” to “Calvin”. Hundreds of Kens lurked inside my manuscript. So, I clicked on “Edit”, wrote in “Ken” and “Calvin” and hit Change- all. Voila, all my Kens were Calvins, and I was hoping it wasn’t too traumatic for Ken, and for poor Calvin, who must have felt a few pounds heavier.

Everything went well. Except, Percy is very, very efficient. Possibly too efficient. So he conscientiously changed all Kens into Calvins.

Example: She hung her tocalvin around her neck.

Example: She said to poor Bob, “Sorry Bob, but I am already spocalvin for.”

Example: Larry wasn’t a very good hockey player and ended up with a brocalvin arm.

My god, it changed every darn “ken” in every darn word.

“Oh, excuse me, Mr. Computer, I think you have a flashlight sticking out of your stupid pocket.” Hardy, har.

A few weeks ago, I was in the trailer by my lonesome. Sue was in town. I went into the bedroom to get something out of the closet. I opened the door and heard a funny chirping sound. It stopped. I hit the closet door. It chirped and squeaked. It stopped. I kicked the wall. Heard a cackling sound. I went to the other wall, near the phone, which broke down last week, gave the wall a knock and heard the tattling, crackling, dripping noise. My god, do we have squirrels or ghosts in our walls?

I walked to the living room. Listened. Nothing. I stomped on the floor. From the bedroom came the weird, playing-a-horn sound, a squeak and something like the sound of dripping water from a tap. I walked back to the bedroom and as I went to knock on the wall, a crow flew away from below the window.

Picture
It was our friendly crow, who now had decided to hold a conversation with me through the walls. This crow often follows me down the lane and along the road. As a matter of fact, this crow followed me around the first day we moved in. He must have been curious.

One afternoon, he was sitting in a spruce tree sounding off. The tree grows close to our woodshed. I went there to fetch some wood, and when I opened the door, I found a poor red squirrel, standing in the middle of the room. He was pleading with me not to evict him.

You see, the wood pile is getting smaller. So, I was literally about ready to break into his home, hidden in the last row of wood. Poor squirrel. I felt sorry for him. And maybe the crow did too, and when I went to bed, I got worrying about whether I should make another home for the squirrel to live in. It was still very cold out
.
squirrel gnaiwng on moose skull
Squirrel gnawing for minerals on our old moose skull
I even said to Sue, “Maybe next year we should buy three and a half cords of firewood. That way, the squirrel will have a permanent winter home. Rent-free.”

Which I know sounds rather funny to some folks, because what many folks do is pop them off for trespassing. Which makes me wonder about who was there first, but I won’t go into that.

So, see what happens when you live in the bush too long? But maybe it’s good to have shining flashlights in your pockets and peeping-tom crows, and snow blowers that don’t follow new snow blower rules and computers which are overly conscientious. Because it means there will always be wacky material to draw from. At least enough to keep this blog going.

Anyway, I like surprises, inconsistencies, wackiness and the humour that arises from these incidents.

Sydney Cox wrote in his book, Indirections for Those Who Want to Write, "Humour frisks the minute to make incompatibles unite. (We earnest people - whom atom bombs and dated obligations to salvage civilization keep on the jump and on the dot - miss that “waste of time.)"

Have any of you found yourselves being wacky without trying?


PictureMountain view of Gold Brook Rd
View of our road from halfway up mountain
1 Comment

Deep Mechanical Pockets

20/1/2014

0 Comments

 
bikeBuddy Lee
Some folks, when they read my blogs, might wonder why I give objects names. For example, I call my bike “Buddy Lee”. He’s a ‘he’ because his name is Buddy Lee. Nothing anatomical.

The bike I left in Ontario, I named “Pixie Lee”. She is now leaning against a cold concrete wall in a friend’s home in Kingston. May the force be with her. May she be ridden again.

I got the name Pixie Lee from my ‘Familiar’. That’s how Sue referred to our little black cat, Spooky, who seemed to be able to read my mind and I hers. At the time, I was trying to think of what to call my Ontario bike, but was coming up with some crummy names. One day, as I was leaving to go for a bike ride, Spooky, who always liked to meow at me, and who was sitting on top of her favourite perch, our kitchen’s garbage pail wash water container, meowed as I left. In the meow I heard her telepathic suggestion, “Name your bike ‘Pixie Lee’.” The name stuck so I kept it. May Spooky rest in peace.


I call my snow blower “Grinder” and my current truck, “Basque”. My previous truck I called “Clarence” and the truck before him, “Rusty”. A not very creative name, I have to admit.

I bought Clarence on a whim and prayer and drove him home through two thousand kilometres plus of blizzards and ice. Therefore the name  “Clarence”, taken from the classic Christmas movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life”.

I bought Basque the time we were in Cape Breton and needed to return to Ontario one winter, and drove him through a hell of a winter storm. I had a broken foot and couldn’t use Clarence’s clutch pedal. Sue, at the time, had a severe concussion and Clarence, who hated tobacco smoke, had arrhythmia or some other kind of heart/motor/electrical problem. I had to trade him in for Basque. I think he understood. He presently sits in a field in the back of a car lot sharing the space with hundreds of other abandoned vehicles. I wonder how many have personal names?

cat in truck
Clarence and Friend, Columbia
Years ago, a popular song sung by the Soviet youth, had the line: “We are given steel hands-wings, and a fiery engine instead of the heart”. (From Andrei Reznikiv’s book, ‘George Orwell’s Theory of Language”.)
babyHuman Capital
  Nowadays, we humans are often not referred to as persons. We are ‘consumers’. We are ‘human capital’. We are ‘human resources’. We ‘network’. Corporations pay taxes and do philanthropy. Not people.

I name my machines to counteract this labelling by going the other way. Giving machines human names. As though I’m using language flea spray. Repelling these, ‘as we move forward, consumer, indexed, money crunching word bugs’.

I hoist my swear finger above my head. My pinky wiggling and jabbing at those who treat humans like machines. Who do it without blinking an eye or showing shame or guilt.

A wise man once said, “As a man thinks, so he is.”


George Orwell wrote that language can be used to shape human thinking. And it’s an excellent way for tyrants to make us see ourselves as cogs in a massive complex system, way too mysterious and complicated for our little spark plugs and computer chips to comprehend.

And if we think of ourselves as consumers, capital and resources, then how much respect are we going to show to other humans? What are the odds for the plants, animals and birds?  How can they withstand words and phrases which are repeated and repeated and repeated to thicken and blacken the ledger books and hearts of those with the infinitely deep pockets?

mountain scenery in Cape Breton
Cape Breton beauty all around en route to the Co-op
  “Few traits of totalitarian regimes are at the same time so confusing to the superficial observer and yet so characteristic of the whole intellectual climate as the complete perversion of language, the change of meaning of words by which the ideals of the new regimes are expressed.”

                                                                                            Freidrich von Hayek

AND

“It does not require many words to speak the truth.”

                                                                                                  Chief Joseph Nez Perce

AND FINALLY

“Let us put our minds together and see what kind of life we can make for our children.”

                                                                               Sitting Bull

abandoned van
Emmet T. Prospector
Cape Breton country church
Church in Northeast Margaree
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