It was a strenuous course and required a lot of reading. I graduated the day after I enrolled and immediately prescribed medication for myself. It was one to three cans of Big Spruce Beer per day. I prescribed plenty of re-fills.
However, over time I discovered that this prescription was too strong. So, I decided to drop the dosage.
For example, I decided that I would make a certain day per week, beer free. My sneaky lawyer didn’t like that.
On one beer-free day, I visited a friend. We went for a long healthy hike and after we got back to her house, some folks dropped around. I was asked if I wanted a glass of beer. This would be a half dose. My lawyer nudged me into saying, “Yes please.”
Here’s how that happened. Blame my lawyer.
“Listen,” he said to me. “You’ve already had a beer and blown up this beer-free day.”
It made sense in a deeply esoteric way.
So, I bought two cans, but am happy to report that I only drank one that evening.
You see, I have two very special days where I have three beer, but this day was a normal two-beer day. However, my lawyer had more to say about that.
“Oh Larry, for ‘F’ sake. Yesterday turned out not to be a no-beer day, as you planned because you had half a dose and then another full pint dose which made it a two can day, even if you didn’t drink the other one. Therefore, to fulfill your prescription for today, which is, legitimately, a two can day, you should most certainly drink the two beers you just bought and then drink the other beer because, you may have forgotten, but you were going to allow yourself three beer days during every statutory holiday. Do you have any idea how many of those days you have missed?”
See what I mean. This character is really sharp and he knows where to hit my thirsty spots.
I decided, that the next day, beginning at twelve am sharp, I’d be strong and no matter what my beer besotted lawyer said, I’d only prescribe what I had decided to prescribe.
I mentioned this decision to my lawyer and waited to see how he spun out his arguments. I planned to hang tough.
My internal lawyer is no dummy. He changed the topic. He distracted me and didn’t try to change my mind.
You see, he started to blab on about weeds. Not weed. Weeds however, for a brief moment I’d thought he was going to get me toking and drinking. I thought he was branching out, but no, he was actually talking about the plants that many of us call weeds.
So now my damn lawyer is a horticulturist.
He showed me, in my mind, exhibit one. It was a photo of a massive field. It was covered in dandelions. Bright yellow dandelions.
“What do you think of all those dandelions?” He asked.
“I think the dandelions in the photo are out of control,” I said. “They’re probably suffocating out some of the prettier plants.”
My addiction lawyer pounced. He pulled out exhibit two.
“Take a good look at this photo.” He pushed the photo right up close to my frontal cortex.
It was a photograph of a major city. The city smothered kilometres and kilometres of acreage. Not a dandelion in sight. Roads, concrete, concrete and more concrete and steel.
I suddenly felt mighty thirsty. My lawyer suggested I have another beer.
Then he pulled out exhibit three. It was a photo of a massive clear cut. My damn lawyer was a rubber booter.
“Do you know how many diseases that dandelions can help cure?”
I said I didn’t. He therefore rattled off a list of their benefits.
Later on, I whipped off to my purveyors, after I decided to make this day a four-pint-beer day. A really, really special day. My lawyer was pleased.
Back in the woodshed, I got thinking, wouldn’t it be great if all those internal lawyers who continuously work at talking us into addictive behaviours, were able to get together and argue for saving our planet from our uncontrollable addictive consumption.
And that’s when I decided to take a drive and buy myself three beer-tonic cans for tomorrow. I like to be prepared.
Did I mention that Dominic has a squirrel addiction? He has set up a blind under the deck and will sit in the blind for hours shaking and waiting as he watches for squirrels.
The shaking worries me a wee bit, but he seems to be in control.