THE RED GATE
How does a person eat in a mannerly way, when in a situation where eating and conversation are in the mix?
I mean, haven’t most of us been told not to talk with our mouth full? I’ve been told. Have you been told?
Not too long ago, I was sitting by myself, in an eating establishment. Suddenly, I heard these words, “Do you mind if I join you?”
I mean, haven’t most of us been told not to talk with our mouth full? I’ve been told. Have you been told?
Not too long ago, I was sitting by myself, in an eating establishment. Suddenly, I heard these words, “Do you mind if I join you?”
BEACH HUT CANTEEN INVERNESS BEACH
“Sure,” I said.
The person sat down at the table, across from me. We then ate, drank and conversed.
You see, the problem is, how do I synchronize the amount of food in my mouth with the amount of food in the other person’s mouth? And, how do I match my chewing speed and power with the other person’s chewing speed and power?
The person sat down at the table, across from me. We then ate, drank and conversed.
You see, the problem is, how do I synchronize the amount of food in my mouth with the amount of food in the other person’s mouth? And, how do I match my chewing speed and power with the other person’s chewing speed and power?
INVERNESS BEACH WALKWAY
The person might, for example, make a comment which requires a verbal response. Wouldn’t a long silent pause after her comment, so I could take the time to properly masticate and swallow my food, not appear rude or disapproving or my showing a lack of interest? So many negative possibilities!
What if I’m gnawing on an over cooked piece of steak? What to do, what to do?
What if I’m gnawing on an over cooked piece of steak? What to do, what to do?
AFTER AN EXHAUSTING DAY OF MANNERS
Even worse, what if she or he asks a question? Maybe one that requires some elaboration? Eh?
And worse still, what if I’m sitting at a table with a whole pile of chewers?
I was once given a tip. Never talk while your mouth is ‘technically full’. Quite a bit of nuance there, folks.
And worse still, what if I’m sitting at a table with a whole pile of chewers?
I was once given a tip. Never talk while your mouth is ‘technically full’. Quite a bit of nuance there, folks.
NUANCE
The same person told me to carefully watch the person and synch the shovelling of food into my mouth with the other person’s shovelling regime. One: Fork into food. Two: Observe how much food is on the other’s fork. Three: Shove food into mouth. Four: Find the chewing beat and chomp, chomp, chomp. One two three. Chomp, chomp, chomp. And five: Make conversation in between the fork-loading procedures. etc. etc. etc.
Maybe I should write a book. An Anal’s Guide To Good Food And Conversation.
Maybe I should write a book. An Anal’s Guide To Good Food And Conversation.
ICY INVERNESS BEACH
I do have techniques I use to try and solve this problem. I hold my hand in front of my face or I dab at my mouth with a serviette while I speak. I figure that the person won’t be able to see whether I have food in my mouth or not and how much. Sort of an eating-conversation-sleight-of hand.
Unfortunately, I have a soft voice so they probably don’t hear a word I’m saying. Which, maybe, is a good thing.
Unfortunately, I have a soft voice so they probably don’t hear a word I’m saying. Which, maybe, is a good thing.
PUFFED UP CHICKADEE
Speaking of eating manners, here’s another table manners story.
We were visiting a couple in their apartment for the first time. We all politely talked and laughed, but I knew, I knew, that inevitably, it had to happen. The time when we’d have to sit down and eat while still continuing on with our gab-fest.
We were visiting a couple in their apartment for the first time. We all politely talked and laughed, but I knew, I knew, that inevitably, it had to happen. The time when we’d have to sit down and eat while still continuing on with our gab-fest.
A MANNERS PIRATE
The table had been previously set with saucers, glasses, tea cups and countless pieces of intimidating and shiny cutlery placed in military order.
The server arrived holding large round plates. Each edible had its own space with plenty of room to spare. A slice of pork in its rounded corner, a baked potato kitty corner to the meat and two overly large hunks of brussels sprouts kitty corner to the kitty corners.
We began to eat. I was nervous. Struggling, once again, to get the hang of the eating nuances. Desperately attempting to watch all three eaters as they forked food into their separate mouths. This person said that. That person said this. Fork in. Spoons stirring and clanging and reminding me of my past wedding reception, while the extra cutlery loitered beside my plate and filled my heart with anxious expectations.
The server arrived holding large round plates. Each edible had its own space with plenty of room to spare. A slice of pork in its rounded corner, a baked potato kitty corner to the meat and two overly large hunks of brussels sprouts kitty corner to the kitty corners.
We began to eat. I was nervous. Struggling, once again, to get the hang of the eating nuances. Desperately attempting to watch all three eaters as they forked food into their separate mouths. This person said that. That person said this. Fork in. Spoons stirring and clanging and reminding me of my past wedding reception, while the extra cutlery loitered beside my plate and filled my heart with anxious expectations.
INVERNESS MEMORIAL
I was asked a question. Hand up to mouth or dab, dab with my colourful red napkin and it was at this point where my innocence and ignorance came to the full fore.
You see, when I grabbed my napkin for the conversation dab dab, wipe wipe, I suddenly realized that I was the only person who had a napkin.
But, just to be sure, I double checked. Not another red napkin in sight and it was only then, and only after I’d fully masticated my food and swallowed that I spoke.
“How come I’m the only person with a napkin?” I asked.
The response was quick and sharp. “Because our napkins are on our laps.”
You see, when I grabbed my napkin for the conversation dab dab, wipe wipe, I suddenly realized that I was the only person who had a napkin.
But, just to be sure, I double checked. Not another red napkin in sight and it was only then, and only after I’d fully masticated my food and swallowed that I spoke.
“How come I’m the only person with a napkin?” I asked.
The response was quick and sharp. “Because our napkins are on our laps.”
A SNOWY LANE
That was another hard earned lesson and I added this eating problem to my manners’ worry repertoire.
I have, however, just as I did with the chewing and talking problem, come up with a solution. What I now do is look to see what the other person does and if I’m in a group then I use my statistics background to solve this problem. I count how many eaters have a napkin on the table and how many have shoved their napkins down on their laps.
I make the decision based on first past the post. The majority wins. Napkin top-side or napkin under-side, doesn’t matter a whit to me. Majority rules and that’s where my napkin goes. No nuance here.
I have, however, just as I did with the chewing and talking problem, come up with a solution. What I now do is look to see what the other person does and if I’m in a group then I use my statistics background to solve this problem. I count how many eaters have a napkin on the table and how many have shoved their napkins down on their laps.
I make the decision based on first past the post. The majority wins. Napkin top-side or napkin under-side, doesn’t matter a whit to me. Majority rules and that’s where my napkin goes. No nuance here.
